A good buddy of mine called me out of the blue last night wanting some advice on a problem he is encountering with a new woman he is dating. According to my friend his girlfriend’s ex-husband keeps calling her in an attempt to get back together as a couple!
My friend is not sure how to handle this and is starting to become very annoyed with this guy! Before he did anything drastic he thought he would get some advice from me over a cup of coffee at Starbucks.
Why is He Calling?
If you are dating a woman who has kids or is newly divorced then there is an expectation that the “ex” will be calling on a regular basis.
You should not get uptight about such calls as these are to be expected for such a previous relationship.
However, if the ex husband is calling because he wants to get back with his ex-wife then you have a problem.
The main problem is that he still has feelings for her coupled with a lengthy history with her as well.
This translates into significant emotional feelings he could be experiencing which could include abandonment, loneliness, rejection and anger… on his part.
Most times these feelings surface once any divorce moves forward. However if these feelings linger beyond a couple of months time then the guy has a significant emotional issue tied directly to his ex-wife.
Her Reaction to His Calls
This is what you need to be concerned about. It is not so much that the ex-husband is an issue as it is the ex-wife, ie: the new girlfriend in my above friend’s case, in how she reacts to her ex-husbands advances!! I asked my friend:
- Does she seem annoyed when the “ex” calls?
- Does she take his calls and have conversations with him?
- Is her interest in you seeming to decline since the “ex” wants back in her life?
- Are their compelling reasons for her to stay away from this guy?
- Are there kids that want them to get back together?
- Does she encourage him not to continue calling her? If not, why not?
Her reactions to her ex-husbands constant attempts to call her and get back together will help guide your next steps. If she is discouraging him from calling then you are in a good place.
However, if there is any uncertainty, or slight encouragement from her for him to continue calling that you can pick-up on, then it is time to exit stage left before you get hurt!
If she has made it clear to you and your ex-husband she does not want him calling and does not want him back in her life then you have a woman worth spending time with. But, what do you do about this crazy ex-husband who keeps calling with hopes of getting his ex-wife back? Here are your options.
Talk to Her
The first thing you should do is to talk to your girlfriend.
Ask how she is handling this situation and if she is ok emotionally.
What you may find happening with her emotionally is that she may be conflicted due to the history she and her “ex” had over a period of years being married.
This is normal and to be expected.
You may want to confide in her that you are concerned about this guys incessant calling and its impact on her emotionally. Show her you care about her and you support her as the new man in her life. Be the guy who is going to be the stronger of the two and always have your shoulder ready for her to lean on.
Talk to Him
Some guys would recommend that you go and talk to the ex-husband and ask him to stop calling. I do not think this is a wise idea, for the simple reason that he will know he is now getting on your nerves which will give him a sense of power and control over you. It will be this new “power” he thinks he has to embolden him to ratchet up his efforts to get his wife back.
And let’s not forget the fact that often having two jealous men discuss a lady often results in a physical altercation. This you obviously want to avoid as well. Why? No woman is worth going to jail for!!
Give it Time
If you have your girlfriend telling you she is committed to you then you have little to worry about. At some point this clown will stop calling and move on when he realizes he has no chance of getting back together with her.
As they say: “time heals all wounds”… and obviously this guy is still hurting inside and pining away for her.
Give it a couple of months and I think you will find he starts to call less frequently and eventually has a new lady in his life as well. That is, if he is a normal and well adjusted guy.
If for some reason he keeps calling and emailing her in attempts to get back together and this is becoming a significant concern for both you and her then you may want to look at getting a restraining order or have your girlfriend have one final conversation with him where she tells him emphatically to stop calling.
You could just ignore his constant calling your girlfriend. You could just let this strange ex-husband continue to “harass” your lady friend and stress her out. What will eventually happen is either she will go back to him or he will become such a problem for both of you that the police may need to intervene!
Don’t just ignore this situation what ever you do.
…or Move On
Often an ex-husband or ex-boyfriend will attempt to reconnect with an “ex” because they think they can.
They may have some indicator that allows them to step forward and keep making these attempts; regardless if the lady is now with you.
If she is giving the “ex” signals that it is ok to keep calling, despite your relationship, or she is hiding her conversations with her “ex” from you, then you need to just move on. You do not need to be part of a three-person-relationship where you are the rebound guy that ultimately gets used.
For me, if an ex-husband is calling and they have conversations where there seems to be a desire on his part to get back together I usually would just put some distance between myself and the lady. I would continue to date her, but I would seek other ladies to date as well until their “dynamic” has been totally put behind them and there is no more communications between the two of them.
In the nutshell I always stayed away from women who had an “ex” hanging around. From what I have seen in other relationships this type of problem just makes YOUR life stressful and conflicted.
Also, in my opinion, it is the woman who needs to make very clear to her ex-husband that she does not want to get back together. If he keeps calling in a hope that he will convince her otherwise then for me that is a signal to stay away until she has done her job and put this guy out to pasture.
article: Ex Husband Keeps Calling Her. Help!